Caring for an Aging Parent: Counseling for the Whole Family

The pharmacy calls while you are at work. A neighbor texts about a fall nobody told you about. Your brother asks, again, whether Mom really needs this much help. If you have quietly become the person in your family who handles things, the weight you are feeling is real, and it is not only yours to carry. Caring for an aging parent is one of the most common reasons adults in Contra Costa County start therapy, and it is rarely just a scheduling problem.

Caring for a parent reshapes the whole family

Family caregiving is far more widespread than most people realize. In its 2025 Caregiving in the US report, AARP and the National Alliance for Caregiving estimated that 63 million Americans were serving as unpaid family caregivers, a 45 percent increase over the previous decade. Roughly 44 percent were providing what the report classifies as high intensity care.

California is aging quickly, and Contra Costa County along with it. The Public Policy Institute of California projected in January 2025 that the share of Californians age 65 and older would rise from about 14 percent in 2020 to roughly 22 percent by 2040, while the working age population grows only about 3 percent. In practical terms, more adult children are being asked to help, and there are fewer of them to go around.

What gets missed in those numbers is that caregiving is a relational event. A parent's diagnosis lands in the middle of existing marriages, sibling histories, work lives, and parenting. Old family roles resurface. The person who was always the responsible one becomes responsible again. The one who lives farthest away becomes the one with opinions. None of that is a character flaw. It is what families do under sustained pressure.

What research says about caregivers' own health

Caregivers tend to report worse health than people who are not caregiving. Analyzing Behavioral Risk Factor Surveillance System data from 35 states and Puerto Rico, a 2024 report in the CDC's Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report found that in 2021 to 2022, 25.6 percent of caregivers reported ever having been told they had depression, compared with 18.6 percent of non caregivers. Across 19 health indicators studied, caregivers fared less well on 13 of them.

The AARP report points in a similar direction, noting that nearly one in five family caregivers described their health as fair or poor and attributed that directly to their caregiving responsibilities.

These are population level findings, not predictions about any one person. Plenty of people care for a parent and stay well. But the pattern is consistent enough that it is worth naming out loud: the cost of caregiving usually shows up somewhere, and often it shows up first in sleep, in patience, and in the relationships closest to you.

Grief that arrives before anyone has died

One of the most disorienting parts of caring for a declining parent is mourning someone who is still here. The family therapist Pauline Boss named this experience ambiguous loss: a loss without the usual markers, rituals, or permission to grieve. Families living with dementia describe it often. The parent is physically present and psychologically altered, and there is no funeral for the version of them who used to give advice.

People frequently feel guilty about this grief, as though feeling it is disloyal. It is not unusual, and it is something therapy can make room for rather than something you have to resolve on your own.

Where caregiving families tend to get stuck

Common pressure points

• Siblings who genuinely see the same parent differently, one describing a crisis and another describing a bad week
• One adult child absorbing most of the daily work while others stay informed from a distance
• A marriage or partnership quietly taking on the overflow of exhaustion and cancelled plans
• Role reversal with a parent who is still, understandably, insisting on their independence
• Decisions about driving, housing, or in home help that nobody wants to be the one to make
• Resentment that feels unacceptable to admit, followed by guilt about having felt it
• Long standing family conflicts that were manageable at a distance and are no longer avoidable

The Family Caregiver Alliance, the San Francisco nonprofit that operates the Bay Area Caregiver Resource Center, describes several of these same patterns in its guidance on siblings and caregiving, particularly the way family history and unequal workload combine into conflict. Their suggestion when communication breaks down is a practical one: bring in a third party.

Signs people often bring to a first conversation

What prompts a call

• Sleep that has not been normal for months
• Snapping at a spouse, a child, or the parent you are caring for, then feeling terrible about it
• Dreading the phone, or checking it compulsively
• Sibling conversations that end the same way every time
• Feeling numb at moments you expected to feel something
• Letting your own appointments, friendships, or work slide
• A sense that you cannot talk about any of this with the people around you

None of these on its own means something is wrong with you. Together, they are often a signal that the load has outgrown the support around it.

What counseling for caregiving families can look like at Oak Creek

Oak Creek Relational Counseling Center is a nonprofit community counseling center in Pleasant Hill, founded in 1993. Because caregiving strain is relational, families come to us in different configurations, and there is no single correct one.

Individual sessions

A space that is yours, where you are not managing anyone else's feelings about the situation. For many caregivers this is the first hour in a week that is not about logistics.

Sessions with siblings or the wider family

Some families use therapy to have the conversation they keep postponing, with someone in the room whose job is to keep it from going the way it usually goes. This can include planning discussions, dividing responsibilities, or working through older history that the current situation has reopened.

Couples sessions

Caregiving often lands hardest on a marriage, and partners frequently arrive with very different views about how much is being given and to whom. Our couples therapy in Pleasant Hill works with communication patterns, conflict, and life transitions of exactly this kind.

Telehealth, when leaving is the hard part

Many caregivers cannot easily step out of the house. Oak Creek offers telehealth counseling across California, with no special software required, which also makes it possible for an out of area sibling to join a family session from where they live.

Cost

Oak Creek is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit training center, and fees are offered on a sliding scale based on financial need. Details are on our payment options page, and our intake line can talk through what is available before you commit to anything.

Our clinical team includes registered associates and trainees, all working under licensed clinical supervision. Stephen Polin, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT #7861), is Oak Creek's Clinical Director and founder.

It is worth being straightforward about what research can and cannot tell you here. A 2026 meta analysis in Dementia and Geriatric Cognitive Disorders pooled 175 studies of support programs for dementia caregivers and reported reductions in measured anxiety and depression across intervention types, with effects varying by program and by who was receiving them. Findings like that describe averages across large groups. They do not predict what any individual or family will experience, and nobody can tell you in advance how therapy will go for you. What we can say is that you would not be doing something unusual by asking for support.

Local resources worth knowing about

Therapy is one piece, and often not the first one. These organizations serve Contra Costa County directly and several of their services are free.

Starting points in Contra Costa County

• Bay Area Caregiver Resource Center, operated by Family Caregiver Alliance, serving Contra Costa and neighboring counties with caregiver consultation, education, and referrals to respite and adult day programs. (800) 445-8106
• Contra Costa County Aging and Adult Services, Information and Assistance line, which connects callers to caregiver support groups, in home care resources, transportation, and Medicare counseling. (800) 510-2020 or (925) 229-8434, Monday through Friday
• 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, available by call or text, 24 hours a day
• Contra Costa Crisis Center, 800-833-2900, 24 hours a day

A note for referral partners

Primary care practices, geriatric care managers, senior centers, and faith communities are often the first to notice a caregiver who is running on empty, frequently during a visit that was booked for something else. Oak Creek accepts referrals for individual, couples, and family counseling, in person in Pleasant Hill and by telehealth throughout California, on a sliding scale. Referral sources can reach our intake line at 888-506-2527, and medical practices interested in a standing arrangement can read about our medical practice partnership.

Talking to someone about it

If any of this sounds like your household, you are welcome to reach out. You do not need a diagnosis, a crisis, or a tidy explanation to start. Call our intake line at 888-506-2527, or send us a message through our contact page, and a therapist will follow up within two business days. We can talk about formats, fees, and availability before you decide anything.

Frequently asked questions

Is there counseling for people caring for an aging parent?

Yes. Oak Creek Relational Counseling Center in Pleasant Hill, California offers individual, couples, and family counseling for adults caring for aging parents, including caregiver stress, grief, sibling conflict, and decisions about a parent's care. Sessions are available in person in Pleasant Hill and by telehealth anywhere in California. The intake line is 888-506-2527.

Can my siblings and I see a therapist together about our parent's care?

Yes. Family sessions that include adult siblings are a common format at Oak Creek. They are often used for planning conversations, dividing caregiving responsibilities, and working through disagreements about a parent's needs. Because Oak Creek offers telehealth throughout California, siblings who live elsewhere in the state can join the same session remotely.

I cannot leave my parent alone. Can I do therapy from home?

Yes. Oak Creek provides telehealth counseling to clients located anywhere in California. No special software is needed. Your therapist emails a calendar invitation with a video link, and sessions can be scheduled around caregiving hours.

How much does counseling at Oak Creek cost?

Oak Creek is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit community counseling center, and fees are set on a sliding scale based on financial need. Rates vary by therapist and service type, and are below typical private pay rates in the East Bay. Call 888-506-2527 or see the payment options page for current details, including accepted payment methods and your right to a Good Faith Estimate.

How do I start?

Call Oak Creek's intake line at 888-506-2527, email the center, or submit the form on the contact page. A therapist follows up within two business days to talk about what you are dealing with, which format might fit, and what the fee would be. Oak Creek is located at 2100 Monument Boulevard, Suite 7, Pleasant Hill, CA 94523, with free on site parking.